Before I used to write, then there comes one person who changed my life, that I no longer need to blot an ink. I no longer need to contain my entire feelings to a paper or a blog post. I no longer need to find the right words. He was my open diary, he used to be. He was a listener. He was the best adviser. All my decisions, my dreams, my plans and almost everything about me passed through his ears. All my fears, my insecurities and my darkest secrets, he contained it.

I no longer write, except during hell week. I am mandated to write to pass the semester. Yes, I am studying again. Never in my wildest dream did I plan to do this. Well, everything boils down to me taking this decision, to take up law changed my whole life, my whole career turned one hundred eight degrees.

I just thought that when the One up there blessed me with an unexpected blessing, I have to do this. I felt that I have to do this. I got no concrete reason. I got no constant reason. Everytime someone would ask me why I took this turn, it takes seconds before I find a valid reason, just for him or her to stop asking.

There is an unknown reason, an unknown unexplainable urge to take this road. I felt that this was something I would not take for never in my personality would this degree find utopia. I am one reserved person who would rather shut up than to disagree, I am a person who talks in my mind, I love tolerating opinionated people.

How do I find happiness after sourcing my entire bliss to one person? How do I find happiness after 5 years of defining my happiness through him? Is it possible to move on with our lives not waiting for weekend dates, not waiting for a single text from him? Am I too naive to ask that this is possible? Of course, I know that is possible, the entire world has been revolving with people living as single, finding the one, breaking up, marrying and divorcing.

There is one thing though. How can I stop myself from begging him to have me back during the process? How do I deal with myself when I have depended my entire happiness with him.  I am admitting it, I’ve been waiting for Sundays, I’ve been waiting for him going home, coming back, I’ve been drunk In the idea of us, so drunk that I have mistakenly ignorantly revolved my entire world in him.

Now, I am writing again… after 5 years.